O846... At a school in Florida, President George W. Bush is informed of first World Trade Centre crash and quips: 'Nice to see folks so keen to get to work early.'
O905... Bush is informed of second WTC crash and this time chuckles: 'Phone New York air traffic control and tell them - three strikes and you're out!' This comment fails to capture public mood.
O906... Emergency conference in school office as aides explain appalling gravity of situation. Through closed doors President is heard screaming: 'Phone Al Gore and tell him he won.'
0907... He then orders 60 kilos of cocaine and shoots a White House dog for no reason.
O943... Pentagon attacked.
O944... White House officials attempt to preserve national control and command structure by slicing off Dick Cheney's head and putting it in a bag of ice cubes.
Over the next few hours the President is helicoptered to Orlando then airdropped into Vermont. Seizing a jet pack, he blasts himself into the sea off Newfoundland where he is collected by speedboat, hammered unconscious, miniaturised and injected into Laura Bush's foot.
1323-1412... The nation is unaware that it is being governed by a man who is now smaller than an E.Coli and tumbling around in his wife's aorta.